she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
