My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
she peed on how many people?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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