She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
