Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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