Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
