I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
