Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
