Moan for me like Helen Keller
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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