I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
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