The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
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after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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