You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
