textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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