Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
