i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
