I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
