im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
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There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
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Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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