one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
