Ambien. No doubt about it.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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