Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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