I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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