I just gift wrapped bread.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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