I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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