We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
