I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
