I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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