Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
