note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
We don't watch enough power rangers
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
