In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
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The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
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there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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