Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
