Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
