i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
