I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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