I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
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