There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
