I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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