i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I touched a dick in church today
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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