Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
