We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
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She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
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i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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