my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
