You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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