You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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