I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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