I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
