apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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