We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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