I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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