apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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