When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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