I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
