I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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