hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I need a burrito and a hug.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
