From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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